Things Dogs Need to Remember

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The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff even though I haven't had a chance to rip the bag to shreds to see what was in it.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
 I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
 I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
 I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
 I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up or have an accident.
 I will not throw up in the car.
 I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not lick my human's face after eating animal dung.
Kitty box crunchies are not food!
I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard or house depending on which end processes it first.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
 I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
I will not take whatever I please and hide it under the bed so my people can have a scavenger hunt looking for it.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
 I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
 My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
 I will not stand around Mom when she is cooking or when she is carrying her coffee, so she won't trip over me.
 I will not beg for food at the supper table, and especially not eat someone's food if they leave it for just a moment.
I will not tear up the patio furniture, or put holes in the screen so I may jump in and lounge, just because I don't want to stay outside for more than 2 minutes.
I will not chase the cat, and knock over breakable things in the process.
 I will allow Mom and Dad some room and covers when we go to bed.

I promise I'll try...